are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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