I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
