I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
