Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
