I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
