I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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