i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
