they need to just BURY HIM!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Randomize
