Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We left an ass print on the piano.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
