My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
