Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
