Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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