I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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