oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
