Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
