Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
