she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
