How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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