I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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