My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
