2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
