So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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