Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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