I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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