just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
