Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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