sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
