i just sent this text using only my big toe
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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