I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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