Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
