we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
