Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
