And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
