I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
