Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
