I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize