If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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