The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
