sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
