I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
