if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
