I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
