I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
