guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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