I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
