I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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