I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
