He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
