I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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