god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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