dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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